I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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