If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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