can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
