walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
