Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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