did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
