Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
