whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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