I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
