A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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