I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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