I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
