areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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