dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
