I love black thongs
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
home. puking in laundry basket.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
