Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
