there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
