Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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