he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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