I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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