I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
