How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
