I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
