I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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