I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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