He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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