i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
