if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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