Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
