I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
