My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
