This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
