I think im going to throw up on grandma
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
