i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
