The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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