when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
