I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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