if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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