Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I intend to get homeless drunk
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize