i wish there were pregnant emoticons
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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