It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
