she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
