I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My ATM looks so different sober.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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