Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.