am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.