i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
