You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night