we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
