fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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