I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
