there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
