the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
