4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
