i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i was born a porn star she said
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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