im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
