let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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