Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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