God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
