im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
