Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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