I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
