I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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